Over the years I have wanted or attempted to join/start a band several times and each time it fails. So today I shall speak of my genius ideas that have never come to fruition and you will pretty much see why I just will never be in a band.
First off, I have absolutely no musical ability which would make me a shoe-in for punk. I can punk sing, talk sing, and kind of hardcore scream. That's quite the range right there. Why aren't people lined up at my door?
Back in my first years of college, a couple of my friends who were in bands wanted to start a band called nerdcore and have me sing/scream the lyrics. Every song would have been about how Microsoft is evil. Obviously this never happened. And it's really just a one trick pony.
So a few years later, I wanted to start a band called Madame Maria and Her Twirling Ass-Ponies in which we would do covers of a wide variety of songs from indie rock to 80s New Wave. So obviously my built-up ass would be strutting around shirtless on stage for all of these songs. But the real kicker? Madame Maria is a lady who stands off to the side making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches during our live performances when she's not providing backup vocals. She hands out sandwiches and dudes walk away feeling good. Performance art!
And more recently I have been rolling around the idea of a cover band where we only cover songs that have backup vocals. And the comic twist here? All of the backup vocals are not sang but rather very plaintively stated.
As you can see, I have a ton of great ideas! You should probably go ahead and subscribe to this newsletter.