My very first show or concert or whatever you want to call it was certainly a life changing experience. I had just learned about Straight Edge and took it on for myself. One of the guys that introduced Edge to me had a couple bands up in Indianapolis and he invited me to come experience hardcore music for myself. Now he did borrow me a few cds as a primer. One of them featured the song "Stare Into the Firesea" and it has a more couple songs that became instant favorites: "Epicure" by Harvest and "Small Talk" by Ex Number Five. He also introduced me to the band Snapcase which has another one of my all time favorites "Ambition Now."
Anyway, I went to this show and having never been at a show or around a large group of Straight Edgers, I waaaay overdid it: spiked bleach blonde hair, pierced ears and eyebrows, wallet and choker chain, and Xs on the backs of my hands. The venue was The Purple Underground, a small place in the basement of an abandoned building. People had small tables set up selling cds, shirts and so forth, and they also had a small concessions stand with mostly vegan food. The place had a couch on the far end and graffiti all over the walls. The bands went on and I was completely moved by it. I had experienced something so new and so alien to me that I must become a part of it.
After the show was done, I headed back to Vincennes a completely changed man. Night had fallen and the city was awash in light. This sea of light was something that I knew I must become a part of at some time during my life. I had never felt so at peace with myself and so filled with a hope that I can actually find my place as I did that night.
Years later, I lived in Greenwood and found a parking garage just south of downtown Indianapolis that had the greatest view. I would park on the roof and mess around until night fell and then go to the roof, stare into that firesea, feel the happiness of the idea of belonging somewhere wash over me.
I went one last time before moving to Bloomington and knew that it was time for me to move on. The view became a depressing feeling of knowing that I must have screwed up somewhere as I did not find my place, and that the group of people I would run with on occasion would not lead me toward personal fulfillment. The scene was tired, and I was just as tired of searching.
In Bloomington, I would head to the roofs of parking garages and take in the views that they would provide. They were nice but nothing like the parking garage in Indy. I continued to still not find whatever it was I was searching for.
And once I moved back to Indianapolis, I find myself no longer even going out to catch a view off the roof. The firesea seems to just fill me with emptiness and doubt. Somehow I never feel like I will find my place, find a mate, find a good job, reach personal fulfillment. I will always search desperately for answers to how I went wrong and how I can fix it. Nothing will ever change for me as I will always walk the razor's edge. But that is why I am writing this blog - I need to sort it all out.